Relief >>> Anticipation

I survived the bar, but won't know if I have to re-take it until the results are posted 9/14. What an awful ordeal that was; I'm very glad it's behind me. And I didn't even have a seizure from the terrible carpet in the hotel ballroom. Two days of wearing earplugs did make me rather self-conscious and self-absorbed, as every swallow rang in my ears and my footfalls sounded elephantine.

Now I am frantically packing up twelve years of life in Salt Lake City. Tomorrow's farewell potluck party starts in the afternoon, so I have much to do in anticipation, plus the actual packing part. I load the truck and move Monday the 30th.

Slightly bittersweet, as I have recently connected with someone truly extraordinary, and naturally, living in SLC. But this feeling of liking someone a whole lot, and being liked back in turn, is incredible. Thank goodness my leaving prompted boldness on my part (what did I have to lose if she wasn't interested?), else I may have slid out of Mormonia without meeting its rocknroll-angel-goddess. But. That tragedy was averted, and I do have the distinct pleasure of Miss W's affection, and she mine. Yes, my friends, I am indeed grinning.

back to the boxes and packing tape

Downslope

Today I checked in at 7:40 am. We finished just before 7:00 pm.

Tomorrow: 6 hours of multiple choice questions. Over halfway done.

Verging . . .

. . . on tears. Rather freaked out. Landed in Portland a few hours ago; will take the bar exam tomorrow and Wednesday. Someone told me today I should consider myself lucky because the California bar is a day longer than Oregon's. Um, okay. Presto. I consider myself lucky. (!)

I've been really grateful for the friendly voices on the other end of the phone line.

Thanks to mama for believing in me. Thanks to sistah L for her support. Thanks to G for taking me to New Seasons so I can be stocked on good water, fruit, oatmeal, almond milk, and Stumptown coffee for the morning. Greasy eggs and bacon in the hotel restaurant did not appeal.

Thanks to B for her reassuring roommate loves and advice on how to handle my stress through physical action like the cross-crawl, eye exercises, and muscle movements. Thanks to J in Boston for being unfailing in his ability to make me feel better. I knew I could count on his pep talk!

And especially thanks to T for being the person she is -- calm and inspiring and beautiful and receptive and perceptive and open and generous. When I see/hear/think about her I find myself blissed out and buzzing and breathless.

Breathless, yes. Even as I try to remember to breathe.

8

When I woke up this morning I realized I have only eight more nights at the goddess house until I move. Four nights until I fly to Portland to take the bar; four nights after I return until I move. Wow.

Flowing to the Ocean

After her unexpected passing eighteen months ago, I wrote about the beautiful MissyB and posted one of her art pieces. One of the ways those who love Missy stay connected is through this tribe group. In that group we post memories and things that remind us of Missy. V posted a chant that Missy taught her and someone else linked to the YouTube video of Missy singing it at a show back in 2003. V later posted an extended version of the song to the thread.

At the Salt Lake ceremony honoring and celebrating Missy's life, people created squares that were made into a quilt. I added the phrase "flowing to the ocean" on a raindrop/teardrop because that song always gives me chills, kept running through my head that day, and felt appropriate. At the time, I didn't even know if Missy knew that song, but clearly she did. (Be patient, you can hear her about 2 minutes into the clip.)

Compilation of different extended versions:
We all come from the Goddess
And to Her we shall return,
Like a drop of rain
Flowing to the ocean.

Hoof and horn, Hoof and horn
All that dies shall be reborn
Fire and rain, Fire and rain
All that dies shall live again

(Chorus)

Air and earth, Air and earth
All that dies shall have new birth
Corn and grain, Corn and grain
All that falls shall rise again

(Chorus)

Sage and Crone, Sage and Crone,
Wisdom's gift shall be our own.
Crone and Sage, Crone and Sage,
Wisdom is the gift of age.

Chorus:
We all come from the Goddess
And to Her we shall return,
Like a drop of rain
Flowing to the ocean.

Minimizing

B and I went through the last of the storage, sifting through material remains from our early years together. Like Cassie's first chew toy and the time capsule we made in 2000. We were left wondering about our state of mind based on the random shit we included. There were more than a few giggles at tweaker craft projects given to us by family members and therefore elevated to maybe-oughta-keep-but-what-the-hell status.

Two filing cabinets are now on the curb for neighborhood cleanup. I used one cabinet as a sticker canvas. The heart sticker in the lower left is my favorite.

Flag Memory

Since I couldn't be at the Rainbow Gathering, with proximate participation in peace prayers, I stayed at home Wednesday and cuddled with my dog, giving her regular doses of Rescue Remedy to calm her fireworks freakout.

After letting the Independence Day vibrations settle for a day or two, I decided not to let the day go unacknowledged. But how? Then I remembered this . . .

. . . which I stole from J in LA's tribe page. His explanation:

I actually sewed the flag onto this shirt in college, when i still thought the USA was a cool place (like in the way that peter fonda was pro USA in easy rider).

then i accidentally ripped the flag. i put the shirt in the closet for years, thinking (a) i don't want to wear a flag around and (b) it looks retarded because it's ripped. then i realized i could make a statement with it. and voila. people immediately responded.

but that was two years ago. i don't know if we can still fix it...

** ** **

My disillusionment waxes and wanes in cycles. Some days I feel hopeful and optimistic. Others not so much. My dad is a sentimental veteran who persists in reminding me that I have no clue how lucky I am to live in this country. I don't think I'm unlucky. I just think we can do better. If we can't do better, then I'm especially disillusioned.

I was born post-Watergate. The first president I remember was a memory-challenged actor who spoke in passive voice to avoid accountability ("mistakes were made"). The first senate hearings I remember were Oliver North in his medal-strewn uniform. Followed by Clarence Thomas and an uneasy conversation about race, gender, power. I remember a videogame-esque war when I was in junior high. Didn't it last but a week or two? Oh, and the US didn't leave Saudi Arabia like we said we would? Hmmm. A blue dress and a blowjob splashed the headlines during my (not so) formative adolescence. Wasn't there more to the Clinton administration than that . . . ? I'm not sure. Maybe the whole country was inhaling at the time. The Supreme Court's selection of the Executive Branch in 2000, manipulation of emotion post-9/11, endless war . . . and people wonder why my generation is jaded. And it's interesting to me that I don't associate the flag with the country, but with politics. And yes, to me the two are distinct.

That's enough. Right now, I have to study for the bar.

Hetero-Only Sex-Positive (ish) Christians?

When I saw Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will, I couldn't resist posting the link here. Other offerings include

Oral Sex and God's Will

Viagra and God's Will

Threesomes Within a Christian Marriage

Reader Questions and Answers

Masturbation - God's Great Gift to Us

A Proposal for a Christian Pornography

Bondage in Christ - BDSM in a Christian Marriage

Fisting and God's Will

I don't have time to check these out myself, what with bar exam preparations and such, so I can't really comment on them. But wow.