Commitment

Anyone who thinks that polyamory is somehow divested of commitment should live inside my head for a day. An hour might even be sufficient. This wee-hours-post is me saying that my embodiment of polyamory takes commitment.

The commitment is philosophical. The commitment is emotional. The commitment is sometimes wrenching. And yet I persist. Am I just stubborn? Deluded? Too idealistic for my psychological and emotional well-being?

At the risk of sounding like an unrealistic hippie (perhaps an apt characterization in light of what follows), living my truth is the only way I can look myself in the eye through the mirror, and what makes gazing in others' eyes comfortable. My truth is fluid, evolving, and I wrestle every day with being honest with my views and their application to the minutiae of mundane choices that create my life.

And for a little more hippie-talk, I've come to realize, in lessons building to a crescendo over the past year, that my capacity for love is tremendous. Greater than I ever knew possible.

And yet, in this moment, I feel a profound sadness. There are two people for whom I care - someone I've loved for a long time and someone I've only very recently known with growing fondness - who feel unsure and doubtful polyamory is the right lovestyle for them. I would never want, nor presume, to change how anyone lives and loves. But vague uncertainty drains a bit, leaving me slightly worn and raw. Exposed.

These, for me, are the challenging moments of polyamory.

Franklin has a great website, so I looked there for guidance, understanding, comfort, something with which I could relate. "Poly relations for monogamous people" doesn't seem to quite catch the nuance of the various poly-resistant relations and interactions I'm currently experiencing, whether it's changing perceptions of a poly-self, or misgivings from the outset. "Things your partner wants you to know" has some good stuff that rang true, but not quite there either. "How to become a secure person" has something different to say to me, every time I read it. But ultimately, it was "Poly 101" that reminded me of what I needed to hear.

Writing this out has made me feel better. Mission accomplished.

Now I'm tired, on a bifurcated sleep cycle, and need to get a few hours of rest before getting up for another long day.

And an expectedly beautiful springtime day.